My shift came when I finally understood that behaviour was communication – and wrongful behaviour was a cry for help from my child. That’s when positive parenting clicked for me. Before I discovered positive parenting, I was constantly asking “which consequence fits this behaviour?” or “how long should I punish him for this?” Now, when a problem arises, I ask “What is this behaviour telling me and what does my son need?”

That is a huge shift! I stopped seeing my son’s “misbehaviour” as a punishable moment and started seeing it as a teachable moment. The reason I put misbehaviour in quotation marks is that it’s a mere judgment, and part of my shift was that I really made an effort to stop judging my children based on fleeting actions driven by strong emotions and an underdeveloped brain. For example, what I had misjudged as defiance from my three year old turned out to be emotional pain. He was dealing with a new baby brother, loss of time with mommy, and a confusing new role as “the big boy” even though he was still so very little. Looking past the behaviour and seeing the hurt driving it stopped time-outs, behaviour charts, and other behaviour management systems in their tracks and helped me understand what I had to do to heal the hurt, which was empathise, reconnect, and reassure.

Viewing behaviour as teachable moments helps you shift away from using punishments that miss the mark because they don’t deal with the underlying emotions or thoughts driving the behaviour. This also helps you avoid permissiveness because you are still focused on fixing the problem. You aren’t just waving it off as something your child can’t control. By using it as a teachable moment, you’re automatically focused on the word “teachable,” and that’s where the positive parenting magic is! It’s really about teaching what’s right and acceptable instead of punishing what’s wrong. It’s about empowering your child with tools and skills to really do better, not just to stuff those feelings down or hide his behaviour from you.

To turn behaviour issues into teachable moments, ask yourself two questions:

• What is my child’s behaviour telling me?
• What does my child need right now?

It isn’t always immediately apparent what is driving your child’s behaviour, so a good place to start to determine if your child’s basic needs are being met. Those needs include:

• Safety and security
• A warm, loving environment
• Feeling loved and liked
• Feeling attached or connected to primary caregivers
• Structure
• Consistency
• Good nutrition
• Adequate sleep
• Exercise
• Positive role models
• Feeling valued, respected, and understood
• Feeling capable
• Freedom to express feelings
• Emotional support

Finally, what is it that your child needs right now? What can you teach her or what need can you meet that will help her do better? We are here to teach and guide our children through childhood, and we become better able to do that when we ask the questions that get to the root of the problem rather than simply asking, “How long should I take away your electronics?” The key to good behaviour isn’t fearing good punishments but feeling good about oneself, one’s relationships, and one’s place in the world.

Rebecca is a bestselling author and founder of positive-parents.org
www.creativechild.com/articles/view/positive-parenting-101-behavior-as-teachable-moments

____________________________________

We want to hear your voice! 

It’s the time of year when we seek your feedback on how we are doing as a school. Please follow the link and help us know what we are doing well and what you’d like to see in the future: https://www.questionpro.com/t/ASjYaZneco

_____________________________________

Celebrating the Wonder of Maths

MATRIX invites you to free online screenings of the following documentaries that celebrate the wonders of the mathematical sciences:

Math Circles Around The World Book Now
Mon 16 August, 16.30 AEST

Target audience: school-age children and young adults (primary, secondary, tertiary students), teachers and parents/guardians. The general public may also find the film very interesting.

Secrets of The Surface – The Mathematical Vision of Maryam Mirzakhani Book Now
Mon 16 August, 19.30 AEST

Colors of Math Book Now
Tue 17 August 19.30 AEST

The Discrete Charm of Geometry Book Now
Wed 18 August 19.30 AEST